Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
