Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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