how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
