Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Randomize
