you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize