someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
