So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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