I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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