just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
