She is in my trunk
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize