i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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