you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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