The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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