May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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