I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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