hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
