My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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