im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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