Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
