I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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