Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
