my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
