I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize