I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
