Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
