I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
FUCK WHALES
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
