I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
