Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
