I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
