Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
