i think my tv is drunk
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
