evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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