so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
