3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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