2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
