she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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