Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
