12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
