Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
