let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
