you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
