Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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