i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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