my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
