the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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