o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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