Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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