i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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