Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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