I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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