Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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