There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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