drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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