I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
