Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
