Where did you get a picture of my penis
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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