woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
