I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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