My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
