Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
