can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
