Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Also, beer. Big fan.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
