Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
