so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
