There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
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