Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
