She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
oh god was she eating orange peels again
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Sext me about skeletons
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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