This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
