i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
