Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
