My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
