I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
