im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
