Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
