Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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