Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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