I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
